No (April 16, 2016)
Death offered him its hand - but he slapped it away, and his lungs expelled the water.
Maybe (April 14, 2016)
The vampire decided that sun screen was worth a try, and, stepping out into the sun, she burned.
Whoops (April 13, 2016)
Vesuvius politely pardoned itself after unleashing the mother of all burps - but, by then, the damage was done.
Wrong (April 12, 2016)
For the briefest moment The Internet considered displaying a modicum of decency - but then it noticed a woman was wrong, and, by god, that needed to be rectified.
Ad (April 11, 2016)
'For Sale: Old man, 72, can't change self, has trouble walking, available to a good home with no phone lines.'
NO (April 11, 2016)
The baby glared at the gap between the sofa and the counter, carefully considered what it knew about the laws of gravitation, and thought 'You can't tell me what to do'.
Just Another Failure (April 9, 2016)
When committing suicide in the tub, always remember to plug in the toaster.
Resignation (April 9, 2016)
Deciding he might as well get it over with, the man hopped into his grave and lay down.